The other day, Beata and Magda had one goal – to present their projects to their boss. Both were perfectly prepared, and their ideas were equally good. As usual, Beata had an outstanding performance, even the few fluffs when discussing data did not throw her off balance. Magda fared much worse. She was so nervous that she couldn’t even plug in her computer and then she faltered through the presentation while staring at her notes. Her idea fell through, and she felt simply awful.
This is a purely hypothetical situation, of course, but also a daily nightmare for many people who struggle with insecurity. Oftentimes, employees who have more expertise and great ideas, but are extremely insecure, do not get promoted for years and their proposals are not followed. The same holds true in private life – greater self-confidence, wit, but also confidence in one’s own decisions, the ability to push them through, are critical to success. Whether it’s about creating a good relationship, learning a language, completing formalities, or renovating your home.
Confidence is like a car that will get you to your destination. And like a car, it requires proper maintenance and constant looking to ensure that everything is working properly. It’s not mysteriously given once and for all to a select few. It changes over the course of life and requires constant training. Fortunately, this means that even the shy Magda will have the chance to ‘sell’ her idea next time.
Start by listing your advantages
It could be a good idea to list your strengths. You can ask someone you trust to help you, if you are concerned that you will be biased by your insecurity. The next step is to read this list with comprehension, identifying examples, for instance, where our analytical skills gave us a real advantage. You can rely on your friends again.
Build your own comfort zone
You already know the strengths, now it’s time to see what empowers you and ‘brings you luck’. A favourite shirt that makes you look great, that special mug you always want to have on hand, or maybe comfy shoes that will make you stand more confidently when speaking in public. We all have our rituals, lucky charms and superstitions, and while it sounds like magic, it is a perfectly normal reaction. Appropriate clothing has long been used by people to highlight hierarchy and build their position, while ‘lucky charms’ are an expression of the natural tendency of the human mind to look for patterns and connections, even where there are none. So if something has ‘brought you luck’, it will now reinforce your faith in success.
Plan your achievements step by step
Another tip calls for some patience. That’s because you will need to slow down and set smaller but more achievable goals. These small steps will get you more wins or more experience, while consistently building your self-confidence.
Celebrate and remember every success
It is important to properly celebrate and enjoy each success, even a tiny one. Forget about the words ‘managed’ or ‘succeeded’, they disempower you. Instead of “I managed to do it well” say “I did it well”. I did not “succeed at the presentation” but “I delivered a brilliant presentation”. Appreciate yourself and highlight your merits.
Treat failure as an experience
And what if you blow it on the way? Well, failures should be treated as a normal stage, a thing to learn from. In this way, we become experts, we are ready for all kinds of situations, even ones that an incurable optimist would never predict. This, in turn, builds confidence, when you already know that you can cope, even in a difficult moment. So what is there to be afraid of?
Visualizing success works wonders
Speaking of optimism, it can also prove to be your great ally. You should visualise your victories, embrace your success. Of course, it’s no magic and it doesn’t bring you good fortune. But what you gain is a powerful ally: your own mind. Having the goal within your reach, making it more realistic, will help you see it as more achievable. And this will boost your self-confidence.
Learn to say ‘no’
Self-confidence is also about assertiveness and the ability to set boundaries. Both can be trained, but even the best course will not replace practice. The art of saying ‘no’ where necessary, in an empathetic manner, is almost a core competency these days. How to acquire it?
You just need to get started. You should work all the way up from the simplest situations, when you feel comfortable, to more demanding ones. Practice makes perfect, also in this context. Of course, you should not forget to be polite. Confidence is not arrogance. For some of us, saying “I can’t deal with this right now”, “It doesn’t suit me”, “I’d love to, but not now” in a calm and matter-of-fact manner will initially be a true act of courage. Gradually, however, it will turn into a routine.
Get specialist support
Sometimes, unfortunately, even the best advice will not help. In that case, it could be a good idea to dig deeper into the reasons for insecurity and low self-esteem. The right therapy can work wonders, because you will pinpoint the cause of the problem and eliminate it at the source. And this alone will be a unique success worth celebrating.
Self-confidence in a nutshell:
- List and analyse your strengths.
- Find your rituals and lucky charms – it’s not magic, it’s just the way your mind works.
- Set small goals and cherish every step.
- Learn to celebrate and reward your successes. Remember them.
- Treat failures as lessons, not as evidence of your inferiority.
- Visualise and embrace wins.
- Start saying ‘no’ and set boundaries.
- Consult a specialist if you aren’t doing well.