Are you stuck at work again because someone has asked you to do the work of a few people “just one more time”? Do you feel that you should finally tell your brother that you don’t want to go on vacation together? Well, similar situations happen to almost everyone from time to time. Sometimes it’s just empathy, sometimes we want to maintain a good relationship, and sometimes we are returning a favour or intend to ask for one soon. This is perfectly normal... as long as these are incidental situations in our lives and they don’t cause frustration.
However, it is not uncommon to find people who allow themselves to be taken advantage of all the time, who are afraid to speak up and ask for help, while they offer help to almost everyone, at the expense of their time, wellbeing and health. In these situations, we not only put ourselves last, but also constantly analyse what people think of us, whether they actually like us, whether we have given them enough. This syndrome is called ‘people pleaser’.
But is the pleaser pleased?
Contrary to what you may think, it’s hard to say that pleasers help out of empathy or even to get satisfaction. People pleasers often feel exploited, they are usually frustrated, tired of helping and they do not enjoy it. These people need recognition and validation from others so much that they are ready to knock down the boundaries we build for ourselves to keep people from walking over us.
Where does this attitude come from? Like many other problems – from childhood. As children, people pleasers usually had to earn the love of emotionally unavailable parents. When they expressed their needs, they were ignored at best or blamed and punished at worst. They were only accepted if they acted like ‘good children’: helpful, trouble-free and virtually without any boundaries. That’s why today assertiveness makes them feel guilty or even uncomfortable “because then no one will like me”.
Is this really true? In fact, some people may even be shocked by the people pleaser’s change in attitude and the development of a new, healthier relationship will take time. However, you should remember that boundaries are what ultimately make us get along well with people – we’re genuine, less stressed, and if we decide to help or let someone over our boundary, it’s a desirable situation for us, which doesn’t create frustration or emotional exhaustion.
How do you set boundaries?
However, the people pleaser syndrome is certainly an extreme, and people who recognise it in themselves should get help from a therapist. For most of us, fortunately, boundaries are much easier to set, or at least they can be. How do you go about it?
- Firstly, the most important and, unfortunately, the most difficult thing is that you need to use the magic word ‘no’. This is the best way to build boundaries. How to learn to say ‘no’? The perfect way would be to reject someone’s demands without unnecessary explanation. However, the boundary wall can be gradually strengthened as an exercise. The learning journey goes from “I’m sorry, but I’m unable to help you today” to a simple ‘no’.
- Secondly – polite argumentation. This is not tantamount to justifying yourself or apologising. If we set boundaries where there is a hierarchy – for instance, at work, it is good to have some arguments at hand. Like “I am currently working on another project, and it will take me x more hours, I can’t accept another one.”
- Thirdly – openness. If we get lost in a tangle of apologies, excuses and reassurances, our boundary wall may finally crumble like a house of cards. A simple, factual and meaningful answer is the key to success. So if we are not going to take up something at all, let’s just say “I can’t handle it” instead of “not today, maybe someday, I’ll think about.”
- Fourthly – consistency. Ideally, we should stay away from discussion, but at times our interlocutor will refuse to respect our boundaries. This does not mean that we should move them. Let’s repeat ‘no’ in a calm but firm voice. Remember that assertiveness and submissiveness are not the same.
- Fifthly – taking care of yourself. Setting and protecting your boundaries is ‘self-care’. From time to time it’s good to remind yourself that you are the most important person to yourself, and no one, not even the most loving person, will have such a power to take care of our wellbeing, health and life fulfilment. Building self-love will make it easier to set boundaries.
When should I start building boundaries?
We already know how to set boundaries, but there remains the question of when. The answer, of course, is as soon as possible, as soon as we enter a new relationship or start a new job. Reality, however, is rarely that straightforward, and we often have to set our boundaries after having been stuck in completely different patterns for years.
Fortunately, it’s never too late to become assertive. You should realise that the people who will be most upset by our new boundaries are those who benefitted the most from their absence. And what was convenient for them did not necessarily have to be good for us. Meanwhile, life is like an airplane: you need put the oxygen mask on yourself first and only then help others. Good luck!